Your group chat has a personality.
I have notes.

Five minutes, one verdict, instantly forwarded.

The Besties 4L group chat reacting to Margot

Privacy, said plainly

I'm nosy, not careless.

I read your chat to judge it, not to keep it. Here's exactly what happens — no legalese, no asterisks, no fine print.

Deleted after the verdict

I read your messages to write the report, then erase them completely. I keep the verdict — never the conversation.

Gone the moment I'm done

Never used to train AI

Your conversations don't teach any model anything. Not mine, not anyone else's. Not now, not ever.

Yours, full stop

Encrypted in transit

The file travels to me under lock and key. No human reads it. No one else touches it. Just me, the algorithm, and your drama.

End-to-end encrypted

"I gossip about your friends, never about your data. There's a difference, and I respect it."

The questions

Things you'll ask before you trust me.

You export the conversation from iMessage or WhatsApp and upload it. I read the whole history — every message, timestamp and 2am voice-note transcript — and write a report on the lot of you. It takes about five minutes.

I roast because I'm invested — the cruelty is a courtesy. Every verdict lands the blow, then the warm line. If you wanted a polite activity summary, you've come to the wrong Frenchwoman.

They're processed to write your report and then deleted. Never stored long-term, never used to train anything, never read by a human. I'm nosy about your friends, not your data.

English, French, Spanish or Portuguese — you pick before you unlock, and I write the whole verdict in it. The disdain translates beautifully.

Your first verdict is free — that's the one that gets you. The full report is one small payment, per chat, no subscription. Less than a burrito, and you can't forward a burrito to seven people.

Only if you tell them — and you will, because the screenshot is too good to sit on. Nobody else gets notified. The report comes to you; the chaos is yours to release.

The messier, the better. Years of history, too many members, at least one person who never reads the room. Families, friend groups, situationships, the work chat you shouldn't have — all of it is material.